As promised, here is my pre-Christmas post. Things are going rather well. I'm writing again. As I said on my profile at Lit, I don't know whether or not I'm going to continue "Always and Never". At this point, I'm not sure where to take the story and I don't want to drop the ball. I do know that things could never end happily, as in Rachel can never really be with Brendan. For her to continue such a toxic relationship...just wouldn't be cool. Although sadly, it's a reality for some women.
Speaking of, your many concerns for me touched my heart. I'm doing okay, taking it one day at a time. I didn't want to say this on Lit, because it's such a public venue, but I can say it here 'cause it's my damn blog and if you're reading this, it's clearly a sign you really want to know more about me and my work. Just to set the record straight, I was NOT involved with a married man. I was in a situation with a guy (a much older guy...about 9 years or so) who was very set in his ways. He was adamant, always saying "you know what I want, and how I want it". It was always his way, and if I disagreed, he said it was because i was immature or scared of the relationship.
It was always what he wanted. In his defense, I never told him what I really wanted because honestly it never matched up to his desires. We had things in common, but I wasn't ready to move to where he lived and change my whole life on a fantastical whim (and with good reason, apparently). At first, I considered him a friend, because he made me laugh, and then that friendship grew deeper when he admitted he had feelings for me. I started liking him, but in the back of my mind, I knew that being with him just wasn't for me. I never said anything because I was afraid. I'd always been the girl guys had as a friend. I was never the girlfriend. And here it was, this really handsome guy paying me attention, saying he wanted me and wanted to be with me.
So I gave in, let those feelings wash over me. I began to change myself in ways i knew would make him happy, doing things that turned him on because seeing him that way gave me pleasure. But after awhile I realized that I was changing a lot. I was losing weight for myself, but it was an added bonus when he asked about it. And then when he kept asking about it, or picking out outfit and trying to dress me up in things that SO were not me...wheels starting turning.
While there wasn't an "other woman" situation (I mean, until later, I always felt like the other woman, competing with that altered, fake ass image of what he was trying to mold me into. I took it, like a dumbass, never speaking up...until I reached my breaking point. Once that happened, I couldn't stop. I told him how I felt, and he responded by cutting off contact. I haven't spoken to him in almost two weeks. At first it was hard. REALLY hard. I cried a lot. I never cry. I think I've shed more tears in the past weeks than in my entire life. I've never been an emotional person, but this shit broke my heart. Really. Everything ached. To go from someone loving you one day, to tossing you away like a dirty rag doll...fuck, that's just torture.
But after I wrote him that cordial and sweet but slightly acidic "fuck you" letter, I was happy. I felt a weight being lifted because I finally realized that changing myself to make others happy ain't making me happy. I love my life. I've got an amazing fam, great friends, a place to live, ALCOHOL, comic books, music, and a better sense of who I am and who I want to be. It's amazing how hard it is to really see these things when your heart is breaking.
So now, I take it one day at a time, as my best friend told me to do. There are days when I still think about him; when I wish that when it's that signal for a text, it would be him saying 'good morning' or 'i love you'. Sometimes I find myself looking at my cell, willing him to call. I'll think about whether he's thinking about me; if he misses talking to me, or my 7AM wake up calls just so he could hear my voice before he left for work.
Yeah, I think about these things but I don't dwell. As hard as it sounds, it's time for me to move on. He apparently has.
So I raise my glass of champagne I'm currently sipping (I am so classy) to myself. And to all of you. Have a Merry Christmas, and don't forget to tell the people in your life that you love them.
I know i heart all of you.
There's a lot in store for nerd4music fans in the new year.
3 comments:
I have been keeping up with your posts and I have yet to comment on them. But I wanted to tell you that you are not alone in that kind of situation and it takes a lot of courage to take that step in a new direction. So kudos to you and you ARE going to have a great new year. Family, friends, and ALCOHOL always help. Merry Christmas and Have a wonderful new year!!
~B~
I don't think love is like that... I don't think it involves "tossing" someone out of your life so EASILY. I can't believe he did that. Are you sure it was love? I've never been in love, but if that's what it is, I don't want any part of it! I hope you're okay! that is so devastating for you to go through. Not all wounds heal with time, but they do grow smaller :)
Wow, so true. I was in a very similar situation and it sucks, major balls. But your friend is right, take it one day at a time. It will get better, eventually, until one day you look back at that relationship and shake your head as to how could you ever let yourself become that girl. But then you'll smile too, at the woman you became: stronger, wiser, more confident in what you want. As the great Alicia Keys put it "Yes I was burned, but I call it a lesson learned." That is what it is, each person comes into our lives for a reason. Take comfort in knowing you are on your own path now. :-)Kat.
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