Happy Holidays!

Hey nerd4music fans! It's been a crazy couple of months. I'm almost finished the semester and final projects so I thought I'd give you guys an update. Decided to scrap Giving Up the Ghost. The story was getting a little too sloppy and I was having a hard time trying to find a concrete plot within the drama. Don't worry, I'm bringing it back in some form. My new story is a one shot and I hope to have it out by the start of next week. It's a little holiday fantasy, a bit of sweetness for all those bitter babes during this time of year. Don't know about you, but New Year's is always a little sad for me. Guess it's because I've never had a midnight kiss. Who knows...maybe this year I'll get lucky!

I pose this question to all my readers...what is your ultimate New Year's fantasy?

New Story!

Yes, that's right. I'VE FINALLY POSTED A NEW STORY! I submitted it fifteen minutes ago. It should be up on Lit by Wednesday or Thursday. It's called "Giving Up The Ghost". Once again it's highly personal, drawing inspiration from a situation I'm going through right now with a different guy. It's definitely been great for my sanity to write this. I'll let you guys know when it's posted but keep your eyes peeled!

Welcome to the Suck

Oy. I realize it's been AGES since I've spoken to you nerd4music fans. It's been an interesting summer. You know that expression "when it rains, it pours"? Well it's been a damn flood in my life. Just as I was getting over one situation, another reared its ugly head. It is a scientific fact (okay, maybe just my opinion) that whenever one aspect of your life starts to go right, another part will take the opportunity and turn to poop. It's been kind of tough and at the moment it feels like there's no end in sight. I feel like the past year has been a serious growing experience. I've never had to deal with so many problems hitting at the same time, be it relationship drama, worrying about my future, dealing with shitty apartment conditions, or trying to understand weird feelings about a new guy.

It's all so...foreign. I would normally deal with each crises head on, tackling the little things first. But I feel so damn overwhelmed. For the first time in my life I feel utterly helpless. And I don't like it. I've always been rather self-sufficient. It's one of the aspects of my character I admire, my ability to be independent. So now, when I have to ask for help, it's pretty much killing me to do so.

Well, enough about my life.

Now as for writing, I know y'all have been waiting so patiently for something new from me. And it's coming, I promise! I just have to find time to actually sit down and organize my thoughts. It's a bitch, let me tell you. But I just want to thank you, every one who is still here. It means a lot, more than you will know.

Until then.

--S.

Duh, Playlist!

I completely forgot to post the playlist at the end of my last journal. Sorry about that.


Always and Never


Adding to that list...

It Ain't Love by MSTRKRFT
Careless Love by Camera Obscura (a freaking beautiful song)
Love is a Losing Game by Amy Winehouse
Behind Me Lies Another Fallen Soldier by As I Lay Dying
Forever by As I Lay Dying
Siberian Kiss by Glassjaw
When Somebody Loved Me by Sarah McLachlan
Lies by the Black Keys
Slow Show by The National
Detlef Schrempf by Band of Horses
The Funeral by Band of Horses

As you can tell, it was an eclectic mix. Leave it to me to create a playlist that breaks your heart and gets your feet moving at the same time.

Playlists, Story Updates, etc...

As you can already tell, the conclusion of "Always and Never" is up. Finally. I've taken a serious beating with that story, but I have to admit I'm proud of the way it turned out. Many of you expressed how you wanted Rachel to end up with Brendan. Sometimes in life, the people we love never really rise up to our expectations. I don't think there was any conceivable way that the two of them could have been together. And I think it was more important for Rachel to find her own voice than to find love with someone like Brendan.

Anywho, the next project is tentatively titled "Confessions of a Bad Girl" featuring Carrie DiValenti. She's an interesting character to write about. Now, I know a lot of you aren't fans of hers. Out of all the ladies in my Hartley series she's definitely the toughest to love. Her story is definitely one of my longer ones, as I try to go into who she really is. Carrie might seem like a bitch (and trust me, she's def one) but there's also a method to her madness. In this story she finally has to deal with the changes in her life: the upcoming nuptials of her best friend, coming to terms with her feelings for a certain Ryan brother, and moving out of her powerful father's shadow. It should make for an interesting read.

In other news, I'm shipping around "One Night in Vegas" for publishing! It's been almost two years since I wrote about Dex and Roxie. I'm very excited for the chance to see my dream of being a published author come to fruition.

Story Update (Woot Woot!)

'Ello lovelies! As you can tell by my title and schmancy British greeting I'm feeling MUCH better. Maybe's it's the freakin' gorgeous weather outside. Morgantown in the spring is simply beautiful: clear blue skies, lovely flowers, bright green grass, and of course the boys jogging shirtless. Sigh. I don't know why guys think they're the only ones who enjoy spring. Sure, the skanks wear scandalously short skirts...but for me, it's seeing the helmets come back out. Spring season is bike season and that's when all the hot boys with crotch rockets ride around campus. I feel a swoon coming on.

LOL, anywho I figured I might give you guys an update on the story. Well, it took some time but I've about five or six pages left and then I'm FINISHED. Yes, I promise this will be the absolute last chapter. Now, the end might surprise people. Good. It's what I'm going for. I know a lot of you realize how hard it was for me to write this story. I guess that's why it took so long to finish; whenever I started typing, I found the words so easily because these were the exact emotions I was feeling at the time. In this second part, both Rachel and I grow up. When I write a story, I tend to put myself in my characters' heads and this time it was easy to do because I was feeling and thinking the same things as Rachel.

We all go through heartbreak. We experience the disappointment and agony. This just happened to be my first time dealing with something like that and it was freaking killer. The first part of Always and Never sets up the story. We learn the background of Rachel and Brendan's relationship and the current state of affairs. This time in part two, Rachel has to figure out life after making a serious choice. How does she live with what she's done...etc.

There's a line in one of the early scenes that happens to be one of my favorites. I had originally started off the story in a different way, but realized that Brendan didn't really have a big role until the end. So I wrote another opener and it turns out to be one of my favorite scenes. This chapter has a lot going on, with Rachel meeting a guy who shows her that love doesn't always have to hurt. But ultimately it's up to her to take back control in her life. I've never been more proud of my characters than with Rachel. Ordinarily I would have read a story about a girl like her and written her off as a useless and weak female. But I speak from experience, a Miss-Independent falling hard for a man after years of solitude, compromising herself for the sake of his happiness only to be shoved to the wayside when something better comes along.

We've all been there. It fucking sucks. But hopefully writing this ending gives me some peace. I know, after four (almost five) long fucking months, things are finally starting to make sense.

Like I said, I've got about five or six pages left to really wrap up the story and then some editing, and then I'll be submitting it. I'd love to have ready and out by next week.

I'm Back...Sort of...

Life has been much better, I suppose. I'm taking things as they come along. It seems that fate is determined to give me the ol' one-two when I least expect it, but I'm a trooper.

Writing has become...sigh, I just don't know anymore. I love it, truly I do. But I can't seem to make myself focus. I think it's everything: school, work, my abysmal social life. It always seems like whenever one part of my life is motoring along just fine, everything else seems to fall to poop.

School's kicking my ass, and this lack of spring breakness is starting to get to me. Anyone who says online classes are a breeze is just a damn idiot. You're basically left to your own devices and my brain is currently pwning the rest of me. I can't wait until summer.

I will try and focus on my writing because I feel terrible if I let you all down. I realize it's not just me anymore in this writing game, but every person who anticipates something from me. It's kind of daunting and nervewrecking. I guess I'm just used to disappointing myself, but I won't disappoint you all.

Okay, therapy session over. Time for me to get back in the game.

Oy Vey

I know. I am a horrible, horrible writer (well, not really. but you know what I meant). I was supposed to have the second chapter done and submitted by now. But if you've checked my profile on Lit lately, you would have discovered that I've been really fucking sick for the past weeks. It got a little scary at one point and I thought I was going to have to go to the emergency room a couple of times. But thank God I've got an angel looking out for me, because I know I wouldn't have been able to make it on my own.

I've learned a lot: I should probably be taking better care of myself, I need to eat right, and I am stressed out to the MAX. (haha, I haven't used that phrase since '93), and college is basically a large incubator for diseases. Ugh.

Anyway, I'm feeling somewhat better (aka, I'm well enough to stop sucking down soup and pick up the laptop) so I'll be writing again. Story soon, I promise.

Take care!

Busy Little Bee...

The title says it all. I have been working my ass off, writing 'round the clock in order to finish "Always and Never" so I can have a rough outline of my new Hartley story but to be honest, Getting Over Edie has a whole chapter nearly finished. I guess it's because this story has been mulling around my brain for nearly a year. Actually, the characters have.

So, as promised I have an excerpt from the second Always and Never chapter. I chose a random part because I don't want to give away much. There is a LOT that happens and I don't want to spoil the goodness. I'm nearly finished with it, but again I won't say exactly when I'll be posting.

“What are you going to do?”

Rachel sighed. The million dollar question. “Close my eyes and wish it all away?”

“Sorry, Mami” Lucia said, shaking her head. “You don’t get away that easily.”

“I know,” she groaned. “I made my bed and now I have to lie in it. But I don’t know if I can.”

“What, give him up? Why not?”

She couldn’t explain it, her reasons for sticking around. To an outside person, it wouldn’t make sense, staying in a relationship that wasn’t really much of a relationship at all. To Rachel, it was better than the alternative, facing the encompassing loneliness that surrounded her almost daily. To say it aloud would force her to admit defeat, to acknowledge she made a terrible mistake, and that she never could handle the challenge of making Brendan love her. “It’s…it’s complicated.”

Lucia shook her head. “No, it’s not. It only seems that way because you already know the answer. You already know what you have to do Rach.” She sighed. “I just wish you could see how much more you deserve than Brendan Doyle.”

Rachel sighed, running an errant hand through her ebony locks before swooping the dark mass into a high ponytail, securing it with the black band on her wrist. “I know, Luce. I can’t make him love me. And I can’t make him leave his wife. I just wish this shit wouldn’t hurt. I ache. My heart literally hurts with every beat.”

“I know Mami,” she replied. “Now just imagine how it would hurt even more to stay in this mess. Trust me, you don’t need him.”

Oh Rachel. She's such a fragile character. Again, not going to get spoilerific but I will say this...when God closes a door, it's cause a window's about to open.

Anywho, better get back to work. On second thought...I think I've slept a total of four hours in the past two days. It might be time to fix that.

Until next time!

--S

Forever Young, I Wanna Be...

The Return of the Gamer. Yes, it is true. I have returned to my gaming roots. For the past week and a half I've done nothing but play Tomb Raider and Guitar Hero. I am so ashamed of myself because I think I've written about a page and a half. What can I say...Lara Croft calls to me. I forgot how fucking hard Tomb Raider is...all that logic and badass gun play really takes it out of you.

Okay so maybe gaming isn't I've all done. I went out on Saturday with a couple of guy friends and it was awkward. I really have no idea why. Lately being around people has been weird. Is that weird? I don't know. I guess seeing other people going about their lives, being happy just makes me feel more isolated than ever. I was talking to my best friend and she said I just need to go and make new friends. Easier said than done. Why does it get so much harder to make friends as you get older? I meet tons of people, when I'm out at the bars, working at the club, etc. but nothing seems to stick. I guess it's because I still am pining for the days of undergrad, where all my friends were here. But now most everyone is gone, graduated and off to the real world. Sometimes I wonder if I made the right decision in sticking around. Maybe I should have gone somewhere else for grad school.

Technically it's not too late. My Masters program is online. I could just pack up and leave. Trouble is, I don't know where to go. I love my parentals, but I can't go home; it would make me feel like sixteen all over again. I really don't have that much money, so traveling is impossible.

Sigh. I just feel fucking stuck. Everyone tells me not to worry, that most kids my age feel this way...stuck in the throes of ending teen years while the call of adulthood and mid-twenties responsibilities gets louder and louder with each passing day. I have no idea what I want to be, what I want to do...part of me still feels like I have time, but the better half knows that's bullshit. Why do we have to grow up so quickly, move from worrying about term papers and group projects to credit card bills and home equity loans? I wish I could live college all over again, not because it was awesome (it was), but because maybe I would have done things differently.

No use in pining for the past. That's the hard lesson I've been trying to work through for the past month and a half. No use longing for the days I didn't feel so confused about life. No use in wishing for him to call and apologize. No use in dreaming about a life that was never mine. Getting lost in hopes and fantasies never helped anyone. I suppose I just have to work harder to make things make sense.

Seems like everyone but me has things worked out.

LOL, I think I just need to stop overanalyzing. I wish I could just turn off my brain and coast. I'd do anything for that feeling of total happiness to return. I believe I lost it around age 11 when I entered junior high. I think that's when I realized things were changing, moving into the inevitable direction of adulthood. I had to leave the things of kinderhood behind, or be doomed to forever play catch-up with life.

Ugh, sorry about all the self reflecting. It's been weighing heavily on my mind and I feel like this stuff really isn't the kind of thing to be said aloud (well, unless you're hammered).

I keep thinking about that song by The Bravery. "Time Won't Let Me Go."

Whenever I look back
On the best days of my life
I think I saw them all on T.V.
I am so homesick now for
Someone that I never knew
I am so homesick now for
Someplace I will never be

Time won't let me go
If I could do it all again
I'd go back and change everything
But time won't let me go

It's amazing, whenever you find the perfect song, the one that matches your mood so wonderfully and it fits neatly into this little space somewhere inside you; all at once you feel whole and alive and buzzing because somewhere out there someone understands how you feel. Music and lyrics give us hope and that knowledge that we aren't alone.

Well, once again this has been long and rambling. I think once classes start next Monday I'll be more focused. But for now, I remain quite lost in my thoughts.

New Year, Newish Issues...

This one is going to be short. At least I hope so. I tend to ramble and jump from topic to topic. It's getting a little sad because it starts to show up in my writing at school. I try not to do it, to write like my thought process because I realize people can't read like the way I type. But most times my thoughts are a big jumble of ideas and it makes it hard to focus on one thing. It's not really ADD. My mother says it's me just being to overly observational and over-analytical.

Anywho, working the New Year's party was fun. I looked fly with my emo hair and tie and for the first time in a LONG time (I believe since my senior prom) I felt like a girly girl. I even had on stilettos, which might have been an epic fail because my feet were fucking throbbing at the end of the night. This always seems to happen whenever I wear dressy shoes. I can't help it I'm a Chucks and Vans kind of girl. Been that way since '98 and I'm not changing. Although I will admit whenever I start making real money my first splurge (besides a Technics turntable) will be a pair of Christian Louboutin shoes. Or as I like to call them "Big Girl Shoes". I would do so many deliciously wicked things in those pumps. Snag me a Russian for sure.

Speaking of hot ass Russians...I've decided to push back one story to make room for another. Don't worry, I'm still writing Always and Never. Again, I'm not giving an exact date because I'm still trying to get the interwebs fixed at my house and I have work, money issues, and grad school (you know, the same problems that followed me after the holiday) to worry about. I'm confident things will work out. I'm trying hard to avoid the money pitfalls so many people my age fall into. I'm really careful with my money (a little too careful according to my friends. I'm sorry, paying 8 bucks for a damn drink when I can buy a whole bottle for a few dollars more is bullshit). I'd rather spend my money on things more worthwhile...like comics and music.

Shit, see I got off topic. I meant to tell you about my new story. I'm going back to my Hartley roots. This time, I'm writing about my girl Carrie. Besides Tegan, she's got to be my favorite female character. She's...well, she's a damn bitch but she's so interesting. I've been thinking about her story for a LONG time, even before Derek and Tegan. I initially was thinking about her and Derek and realized that would have been too obvious. Plus I knew Carrie was going to need a man just as edgy and fierce as her. And as much as I love my little Ryan, he's not enough to handle Ms. DiValenti. I'm not going to give too much away. Favorite characters will return, some couples break up, and there's a major side plot involving my redhead Jess but it will definitely be worth the read. And the man...let's just say you might need a fan after reading :).

So this was supposed to be short...and it's totally not. Gotta get back to writing!