Hey, all.
I wish I could stop writing about how shitty my week has been. I've been ridiculously sick and dealing with drama that has made it difficult to write, or think of anything else. I'm sorry to lay on this out on here, but I haven't had time, with the end of the semester slapping at my back and the promise of a reprieve in the holidays.
You know, I never really noticed, but it's true. Breaking up fucking sucks. I never really had to do it before. The only other relationship I've ever had ended amicably because we knew that we were better friends than whatever the hell we were pretending to be. I realized I'm just not the kind of girl to do "relationships". I know, everyone my age tends to say that, and yeah it sounds like trite bullshit. But for some of us, it's true.
I'm a lot wiser than I was five months ago. It was hard for the past weeks to write anything. My frame of thinking was: how can I write about people falling in love when I can't seem to make it work for me? But then I realized what I thought was love really wasn't. It was mostly depending on someone else, someone who wasn't treating me the way I deserve. I put up with it because I thought I wouldn't be able to find someone else who was interested.
Such bullshit. Sometimes I just want to kick myself. But you know, you live and you learn. And I leave 2008 a little battered and bruised but a helluva lot smarter. I will never let someone affect my writing like that. Ever. And I realize that in this world, you can truly and only count on yourself. But that doesn't mean there aren't genuine people in your life that you shouldn't mistrust either.
I think I'm a better person overall, having gone through this hoopla. I've learned what I don't want to be in a relationship: meek, nonchalant, going with the flow because I think that's what he wants. I've never been narcissistic, but maybe it's time to be a little selfish. After all, if I don't take care of me, who's going to?
This entry and my latest story is my call to arms. I'm standing up for what I want, for all the good I deserve in life.
It feels spectacular. I've got that renewal vibe going on. It feels almost American Beauty-esque. (One of my favorite movies, by the way). When he says "I feel like I've been asleep for the past 20 years and it's like I'm finally waking up."
I can totally relate.
3 comments:
Glad you posted your new story(its 11:57 and I'm pretending like Im not just on here waiting till 12 to see if it comes out tonight) Sorry your having a tough time. Dont worry about it your great, things will work. Atleast thats what I hope what else can ya do you know.
Kiya, that made me LOL. Waiting until midnight. I have totally done that before. Sorry to disappoint. I don't think it will post until Sunday. I hate that weird waiting period. But thanks for your encouragement. Things have gotten LOADS better. Yesterday after I wrote that I did a little confrontation and felt fantastic, like this great weight was lifted. It's amazing how things can change once you finally take the reins in your life.
I've read all your stories and i sometimes wish it was me fall head over heels and heels pulled behind my head love. and just reading your latest post made me realize that sometimes love isn't like that all the time and you realize that it really wasnt love but just a companionship to say we're not alone and we've got someone to love, and thats the worst kind of relationship to be in...BUT to get to my point i think u deserve the greatest love out there (we all do)
and you will find it
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