Lol, I can't stress how much I fucking love CC. I've been on this jawn since early '08 when I nearly killed the CD at the radio station. It rekindled my love for all things dance and electronica. As a DJ at the college radio station, we have to make a yearly list of out top ten records. I noticed that at least seven of my spots were dance albums (the exception being Adele's "19"). Crystal Castles was up there, along with Cut Copy and the new Shiny Toy Guns (which is so fucking bomb.com). Damn I love music. Check out Crystal Castles. I recommend the following songs: Alice Practice, Crimewave, Knights, and Black Panther.
This entry comes about mainly from boredom. I really shouldn't be bored, with writing the "Always and Never" sequel and my brand new story (which I'm kinda proud of). But alas, here I am, dicking around on my blog.
Things are going okay. I'm leaving for West Va. tomorrow. Back to the grind. I work the New Year's party at the club and I'm uber pumped only because we have to dress nice. Lol, I love band shirts, but damn it's nice to look like a girl once in awhile. Okay, I'm going to be honest...the only reason I'm super excited is because I get to wear a tie. I've never had to before. I can't wait to bring out my inner Annie Hall.
I saw The Spirit yesterday. Totally sick. Samuel L was badass as always. It's so unlike Sin City. While the latter was serious and darkly humorous, The Spirit is supposed to be campy and dark humor. The villians are ridiculous (Paz Vega's sword-wielding temptress is named Plaster au Paris) and the action is over the top, but in a good way. I wish it was a bit darker like the comics, but all in all it wasn't bad. Oh yeah, and Eva Mendes...mmm, she's totally added to that list of "Chicks I'd Go Gay For". I think I've seen all her no-no bits and she's just smokin' hot.
Someday I'll publish that list. I suppose I'll put up my list of "Hot Ass Men That Could Tear It Up" too. That's a list of guys my best friend and I compiled of guys we know and celebrities we think can lay some bomb ass pipe (or tear it the hell up). The top of her list? Gerard Butler, simply because she wants him to yell "This...is...SPARTA!" right before orgasm. LOL.
At the top of mine? No contest. CLIVE MOTHERFUCKING OWEN. Or Henry Cavill. Or Jonathan Rhys-Meyers. Gale Harold, Takeshi Kaneshiro, Pharell Williams...okay I'm getting ahead of myself.. *Shudder*. And then of course there's the epic "Hot Older Men I'd Bone" playlist, consisting of such favorites as Benecio del Toro, Andy Garcia, Robert DeNiro, and D.L. Hughley.
Lol, so as you can see...I'm apparently feeling much better as my normal "guy appreciation" side returns. (as opposed to boy-crazy. I'm too fucking old for that title.)
I should get back to writing. In my next entry I'll post the pictures for "Getting Over Edie". I think I'm going to start submitting stories to The Chamber, starting with "GOE". I've been reading the stuff over there and those chicks are totally live. You should definitely give a look-see.
Ooh, I totally forgot! I went to Hot Topic yesterday (I am so ashamed of myself) to get new jewelery for my lip ring and I found the most epic of epics.
One of my favorite albums of 2007. I found it on vinyl for 15 bucks and nearly gasm'd.
And so ends my ridiculously long and pointless entry about nothing. Cheers!
Monday, December 29, 2008
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Decisions, Decisions...
I hope a Merry Christmas was in store for each and every one of my readers.
After a lot of deliberations and countless drafts, I've decided to write another part to "Always and Never". At the time, I really didn't see the point of continuing the story. But after I read (and re-read) the damn thing I realized I just couldn't end it that way. There were so many emails (which I still need to respond to. Don't worry, I'm working my way through them) from you guys, talking about your own experiences with relationships of a similar emotional nature. As someone put it,, giving Rachel the ending she deserved was a lot better than the ending she would get in real life.
I think I can satisfy my inner writer and still produce a great read for you. To be honest, I'm a little intimated by "Always and Never". It's uncharted territory, writing a female character so emotionally weak and fragile. They tend to annoy the balls outta me. And don't even get me started on asshole guys. So not attractive. But I found it was easier to do so in this case because it was something I really went through. For the first (and last time, real talk) I was that weak girl, giving in because of eagerness to please.
I judged Rachel, even when I was writing her and that bitterness comes out in my writing. Even when I was writing her character, after everything I went through I tried not to like her. There was so much of me in her. And now that I'm not as hurt and as angry as I was writing the first part, I fear I've lost that raw pain that was so evident. When I say this story drained me, I mean REALLY. It was tough to write and I never read it fully until a few days ago. That's when I realized it was begging for a aequel.
So I've put fingers to keyboard. I know that the only way I'll be able to move on with my other works is by getting this damn beast that is "Always and Never" out of my head and onto the paper. I won't give you an exact time frame for the story. My new semester doesn't start until January 12th, so I've got some time.
In other news, I got some kickass Christmas prezzies. I finally got my XBOX 360, the new Guitar Hero, Tomb Raider: Underworld, and my favorite: Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe! OMG, it's going to be so cool kicking Batman's ass. Marvel Comics fo' life.
Dorkdom aside, the reason I'm so anxious to get "Always and Never" out is because I'm itching to work on this new story I've got rolling around. I've started the first chapter already and it's looking promising. It's called "Getting Over Edie" and it's about a writer who gets dumped and the steps he takes to mend his broken heart. (LOL, sound familiar?) I know, two breakup stories back-to-back. But this one is different. There's a lot of humor mixed in with the heart. And I'm trying something new: writing in first person from the male perspective. I've never done that before and with a novel-type story. But I'm up to the challenge.
Anywho, I should probably get back to writing. I wanted to include the soundtrack for "Always and Never". It's just songs I've been listening to during my own drama and stuff that's fueled my creativity. Hope you enjoy!
After a lot of deliberations and countless drafts, I've decided to write another part to "Always and Never". At the time, I really didn't see the point of continuing the story. But after I read (and re-read) the damn thing I realized I just couldn't end it that way. There were so many emails (which I still need to respond to. Don't worry, I'm working my way through them) from you guys, talking about your own experiences with relationships of a similar emotional nature. As someone put it,, giving Rachel the ending she deserved was a lot better than the ending she would get in real life.
I think I can satisfy my inner writer and still produce a great read for you. To be honest, I'm a little intimated by "Always and Never". It's uncharted territory, writing a female character so emotionally weak and fragile. They tend to annoy the balls outta me. And don't even get me started on asshole guys. So not attractive. But I found it was easier to do so in this case because it was something I really went through. For the first (and last time, real talk) I was that weak girl, giving in because of eagerness to please.
I judged Rachel, even when I was writing her and that bitterness comes out in my writing. Even when I was writing her character, after everything I went through I tried not to like her. There was so much of me in her. And now that I'm not as hurt and as angry as I was writing the first part, I fear I've lost that raw pain that was so evident. When I say this story drained me, I mean REALLY. It was tough to write and I never read it fully until a few days ago. That's when I realized it was begging for a aequel.
So I've put fingers to keyboard. I know that the only way I'll be able to move on with my other works is by getting this damn beast that is "Always and Never" out of my head and onto the paper. I won't give you an exact time frame for the story. My new semester doesn't start until January 12th, so I've got some time.
In other news, I got some kickass Christmas prezzies. I finally got my XBOX 360, the new Guitar Hero, Tomb Raider: Underworld, and my favorite: Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe! OMG, it's going to be so cool kicking Batman's ass. Marvel Comics fo' life.
Dorkdom aside, the reason I'm so anxious to get "Always and Never" out is because I'm itching to work on this new story I've got rolling around. I've started the first chapter already and it's looking promising. It's called "Getting Over Edie" and it's about a writer who gets dumped and the steps he takes to mend his broken heart. (LOL, sound familiar?) I know, two breakup stories back-to-back. But this one is different. There's a lot of humor mixed in with the heart. And I'm trying something new: writing in first person from the male perspective. I've never done that before and with a novel-type story. But I'm up to the challenge.
Anywho, I should probably get back to writing. I wanted to include the soundtrack for "Always and Never". It's just songs I've been listening to during my own drama and stuff that's fueled my creativity. Hope you enjoy!
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Merry Christmas
As promised, here is my pre-Christmas post. Things are going rather well. I'm writing again. As I said on my profile at Lit, I don't know whether or not I'm going to continue "Always and Never". At this point, I'm not sure where to take the story and I don't want to drop the ball. I do know that things could never end happily, as in Rachel can never really be with Brendan. For her to continue such a toxic relationship...just wouldn't be cool. Although sadly, it's a reality for some women.
Speaking of, your many concerns for me touched my heart. I'm doing okay, taking it one day at a time. I didn't want to say this on Lit, because it's such a public venue, but I can say it here 'cause it's my damn blog and if you're reading this, it's clearly a sign you really want to know more about me and my work. Just to set the record straight, I was NOT involved with a married man. I was in a situation with a guy (a much older guy...about 9 years or so) who was very set in his ways. He was adamant, always saying "you know what I want, and how I want it". It was always his way, and if I disagreed, he said it was because i was immature or scared of the relationship.
It was always what he wanted. In his defense, I never told him what I really wanted because honestly it never matched up to his desires. We had things in common, but I wasn't ready to move to where he lived and change my whole life on a fantastical whim (and with good reason, apparently). At first, I considered him a friend, because he made me laugh, and then that friendship grew deeper when he admitted he had feelings for me. I started liking him, but in the back of my mind, I knew that being with him just wasn't for me. I never said anything because I was afraid. I'd always been the girl guys had as a friend. I was never the girlfriend. And here it was, this really handsome guy paying me attention, saying he wanted me and wanted to be with me.
So I gave in, let those feelings wash over me. I began to change myself in ways i knew would make him happy, doing things that turned him on because seeing him that way gave me pleasure. But after awhile I realized that I was changing a lot. I was losing weight for myself, but it was an added bonus when he asked about it. And then when he kept asking about it, or picking out outfit and trying to dress me up in things that SO were not me...wheels starting turning.
While there wasn't an "other woman" situation (I mean, until later, I always felt like the other woman, competing with that altered, fake ass image of what he was trying to mold me into. I took it, like a dumbass, never speaking up...until I reached my breaking point. Once that happened, I couldn't stop. I told him how I felt, and he responded by cutting off contact. I haven't spoken to him in almost two weeks. At first it was hard. REALLY hard. I cried a lot. I never cry. I think I've shed more tears in the past weeks than in my entire life. I've never been an emotional person, but this shit broke my heart. Really. Everything ached. To go from someone loving you one day, to tossing you away like a dirty rag doll...fuck, that's just torture.
But after I wrote him that cordial and sweet but slightly acidic "fuck you" letter, I was happy. I felt a weight being lifted because I finally realized that changing myself to make others happy ain't making me happy. I love my life. I've got an amazing fam, great friends, a place to live, ALCOHOL, comic books, music, and a better sense of who I am and who I want to be. It's amazing how hard it is to really see these things when your heart is breaking.
So now, I take it one day at a time, as my best friend told me to do. There are days when I still think about him; when I wish that when it's that signal for a text, it would be him saying 'good morning' or 'i love you'. Sometimes I find myself looking at my cell, willing him to call. I'll think about whether he's thinking about me; if he misses talking to me, or my 7AM wake up calls just so he could hear my voice before he left for work.
Yeah, I think about these things but I don't dwell. As hard as it sounds, it's time for me to move on. He apparently has.
So I raise my glass of champagne I'm currently sipping (I am so classy) to myself. And to all of you. Have a Merry Christmas, and don't forget to tell the people in your life that you love them.
I know i heart all of you.
There's a lot in store for nerd4music fans in the new year.
Speaking of, your many concerns for me touched my heart. I'm doing okay, taking it one day at a time. I didn't want to say this on Lit, because it's such a public venue, but I can say it here 'cause it's my damn blog and if you're reading this, it's clearly a sign you really want to know more about me and my work. Just to set the record straight, I was NOT involved with a married man. I was in a situation with a guy (a much older guy...about 9 years or so) who was very set in his ways. He was adamant, always saying "you know what I want, and how I want it". It was always his way, and if I disagreed, he said it was because i was immature or scared of the relationship.
It was always what he wanted. In his defense, I never told him what I really wanted because honestly it never matched up to his desires. We had things in common, but I wasn't ready to move to where he lived and change my whole life on a fantastical whim (and with good reason, apparently). At first, I considered him a friend, because he made me laugh, and then that friendship grew deeper when he admitted he had feelings for me. I started liking him, but in the back of my mind, I knew that being with him just wasn't for me. I never said anything because I was afraid. I'd always been the girl guys had as a friend. I was never the girlfriend. And here it was, this really handsome guy paying me attention, saying he wanted me and wanted to be with me.
So I gave in, let those feelings wash over me. I began to change myself in ways i knew would make him happy, doing things that turned him on because seeing him that way gave me pleasure. But after awhile I realized that I was changing a lot. I was losing weight for myself, but it was an added bonus when he asked about it. And then when he kept asking about it, or picking out outfit and trying to dress me up in things that SO were not me...wheels starting turning.
While there wasn't an "other woman" situation (I mean, until later, I always felt like the other woman, competing with that altered, fake ass image of what he was trying to mold me into. I took it, like a dumbass, never speaking up...until I reached my breaking point. Once that happened, I couldn't stop. I told him how I felt, and he responded by cutting off contact. I haven't spoken to him in almost two weeks. At first it was hard. REALLY hard. I cried a lot. I never cry. I think I've shed more tears in the past weeks than in my entire life. I've never been an emotional person, but this shit broke my heart. Really. Everything ached. To go from someone loving you one day, to tossing you away like a dirty rag doll...fuck, that's just torture.
But after I wrote him that cordial and sweet but slightly acidic "fuck you" letter, I was happy. I felt a weight being lifted because I finally realized that changing myself to make others happy ain't making me happy. I love my life. I've got an amazing fam, great friends, a place to live, ALCOHOL, comic books, music, and a better sense of who I am and who I want to be. It's amazing how hard it is to really see these things when your heart is breaking.
So now, I take it one day at a time, as my best friend told me to do. There are days when I still think about him; when I wish that when it's that signal for a text, it would be him saying 'good morning' or 'i love you'. Sometimes I find myself looking at my cell, willing him to call. I'll think about whether he's thinking about me; if he misses talking to me, or my 7AM wake up calls just so he could hear my voice before he left for work.
Yeah, I think about these things but I don't dwell. As hard as it sounds, it's time for me to move on. He apparently has.
So I raise my glass of champagne I'm currently sipping (I am so classy) to myself. And to all of you. Have a Merry Christmas, and don't forget to tell the people in your life that you love them.
I know i heart all of you.
There's a lot in store for nerd4music fans in the new year.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Happy Monday!
Never thought I'd ever say those words. Indeed, I am quite happy. I'm two assignments away from finishing up the longest semester ever, I'm going home for the holidays one day earlier than expected, and my new story is FINALLY up!
'Tis the season.
I always get a little blue around New Year's, but since I'll be spending it working at the club, it shouldn't be so bad. For those of you that don't know, I work at as a door girl, checking IDs at one of the clubs here in Morgantown. It's pretty interesting work.
New Year's is going to be interesting. Although part of me is always secretly jealous of happy couples kissing at midnight. I start to wonder how much I'm missing out on. But then I think about the MAJOR fucking bullet I just dodged this past season and then I say thank you Jesus for letting some of that good sense my Mommy gave me actually sink into my hard head. Lord knows she yelled enough. For those of you who didn't have the pleasure of growing up with a West Indian momma, they tend to yell more, and guilt trip. It's no wonder I get along with my Jewish friends so well. (LOL)
Anyway, I should probably grab some food before I head out on the road. I'll try to post once more before Christmas, but if I don't...Have a safe and wonderful Holiday everyone!
'Tis the season.
I always get a little blue around New Year's, but since I'll be spending it working at the club, it shouldn't be so bad. For those of you that don't know, I work at as a door girl, checking IDs at one of the clubs here in Morgantown. It's pretty interesting work.
New Year's is going to be interesting. Although part of me is always secretly jealous of happy couples kissing at midnight. I start to wonder how much I'm missing out on. But then I think about the MAJOR fucking bullet I just dodged this past season and then I say thank you Jesus for letting some of that good sense my Mommy gave me actually sink into my hard head. Lord knows she yelled enough. For those of you who didn't have the pleasure of growing up with a West Indian momma, they tend to yell more, and guilt trip. It's no wonder I get along with my Jewish friends so well. (LOL)
Anyway, I should probably grab some food before I head out on the road. I'll try to post once more before Christmas, but if I don't...Have a safe and wonderful Holiday everyone!
Friday, December 19, 2008
I Wish...
Hey, all.
I wish I could stop writing about how shitty my week has been. I've been ridiculously sick and dealing with drama that has made it difficult to write, or think of anything else. I'm sorry to lay on this out on here, but I haven't had time, with the end of the semester slapping at my back and the promise of a reprieve in the holidays.
You know, I never really noticed, but it's true. Breaking up fucking sucks. I never really had to do it before. The only other relationship I've ever had ended amicably because we knew that we were better friends than whatever the hell we were pretending to be. I realized I'm just not the kind of girl to do "relationships". I know, everyone my age tends to say that, and yeah it sounds like trite bullshit. But for some of us, it's true.
I'm a lot wiser than I was five months ago. It was hard for the past weeks to write anything. My frame of thinking was: how can I write about people falling in love when I can't seem to make it work for me? But then I realized what I thought was love really wasn't. It was mostly depending on someone else, someone who wasn't treating me the way I deserve. I put up with it because I thought I wouldn't be able to find someone else who was interested.
Such bullshit. Sometimes I just want to kick myself. But you know, you live and you learn. And I leave 2008 a little battered and bruised but a helluva lot smarter. I will never let someone affect my writing like that. Ever. And I realize that in this world, you can truly and only count on yourself. But that doesn't mean there aren't genuine people in your life that you shouldn't mistrust either.
I think I'm a better person overall, having gone through this hoopla. I've learned what I don't want to be in a relationship: meek, nonchalant, going with the flow because I think that's what he wants. I've never been narcissistic, but maybe it's time to be a little selfish. After all, if I don't take care of me, who's going to?
This entry and my latest story is my call to arms. I'm standing up for what I want, for all the good I deserve in life.
It feels spectacular. I've got that renewal vibe going on. It feels almost American Beauty-esque. (One of my favorite movies, by the way). When he says "I feel like I've been asleep for the past 20 years and it's like I'm finally waking up."
I can totally relate.
I wish I could stop writing about how shitty my week has been. I've been ridiculously sick and dealing with drama that has made it difficult to write, or think of anything else. I'm sorry to lay on this out on here, but I haven't had time, with the end of the semester slapping at my back and the promise of a reprieve in the holidays.
You know, I never really noticed, but it's true. Breaking up fucking sucks. I never really had to do it before. The only other relationship I've ever had ended amicably because we knew that we were better friends than whatever the hell we were pretending to be. I realized I'm just not the kind of girl to do "relationships". I know, everyone my age tends to say that, and yeah it sounds like trite bullshit. But for some of us, it's true.
I'm a lot wiser than I was five months ago. It was hard for the past weeks to write anything. My frame of thinking was: how can I write about people falling in love when I can't seem to make it work for me? But then I realized what I thought was love really wasn't. It was mostly depending on someone else, someone who wasn't treating me the way I deserve. I put up with it because I thought I wouldn't be able to find someone else who was interested.
Such bullshit. Sometimes I just want to kick myself. But you know, you live and you learn. And I leave 2008 a little battered and bruised but a helluva lot smarter. I will never let someone affect my writing like that. Ever. And I realize that in this world, you can truly and only count on yourself. But that doesn't mean there aren't genuine people in your life that you shouldn't mistrust either.
I think I'm a better person overall, having gone through this hoopla. I've learned what I don't want to be in a relationship: meek, nonchalant, going with the flow because I think that's what he wants. I've never been narcissistic, but maybe it's time to be a little selfish. After all, if I don't take care of me, who's going to?
This entry and my latest story is my call to arms. I'm standing up for what I want, for all the good I deserve in life.
It feels spectacular. I've got that renewal vibe going on. It feels almost American Beauty-esque. (One of my favorite movies, by the way). When he says "I feel like I've been asleep for the past 20 years and it's like I'm finally waking up."
I can totally relate.
Friday, December 12, 2008
'Tis Friday and I rejoice!
Hey guys!
I'm coming off one of the worst weeks I've had in a long ass time. I think 2008 is definitely on par with 2006 as the worst year EVER. I don't want to go too much into detail. It's not that I don't want you to know, it's just that I'm trying to stay positive and not think about it. If I do, I might need a bottle of hard liquor to cope.
Anyway, these angsty feelings have helped me writing-wise. I wrote ten pages last night for a new story. And as for Always and Never, I submitted it, the story got rejected for some damn reason and now I'm working to correct it right now. I'll be resubmitting it tonight and it should be up next week. I know, I've been killing you guys with the damn suspense. But I promise it'll be worth it.
Oh, and by the way, the photo I used for my female inspiration in the story is actress K.D. Aubert. Girl is seriously SMOKING hot. She's definitely on my list of chicks I'd go gay for. Number one will always be Salma Hayek. Ever seen a little movie called "From Dusk 'Til Dawn"? Sweet God, I'd totally go lesbian for her.
Anywho, I should totally get back to work. I've got some homework to take care of. While the rest of the campus is pretty much finished with exams and shit, my grad classes don't end until next week. Dammit.
I'm coming off one of the worst weeks I've had in a long ass time. I think 2008 is definitely on par with 2006 as the worst year EVER. I don't want to go too much into detail. It's not that I don't want you to know, it's just that I'm trying to stay positive and not think about it. If I do, I might need a bottle of hard liquor to cope.
Anyway, these angsty feelings have helped me writing-wise. I wrote ten pages last night for a new story. And as for Always and Never, I submitted it, the story got rejected for some damn reason and now I'm working to correct it right now. I'll be resubmitting it tonight and it should be up next week. I know, I've been killing you guys with the damn suspense. But I promise it'll be worth it.
Oh, and by the way, the photo I used for my female inspiration in the story is actress K.D. Aubert. Girl is seriously SMOKING hot. She's definitely on my list of chicks I'd go gay for. Number one will always be Salma Hayek. Ever seen a little movie called "From Dusk 'Til Dawn"? Sweet God, I'd totally go lesbian for her.
Anywho, I should totally get back to work. I've got some homework to take care of. While the rest of the campus is pretty much finished with exams and shit, my grad classes don't end until next week. Dammit.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Winter
Not only the current season, but the song I keep listening to. Yes, Joshua Radin has invaded my thoughts once more. It seems like lately all I've been doing is listening to music. That's not unusual, I suppose. But it's all I'm doing. I can't seem to focus on writing. Every time I try to put pen to paper or fingertips to keyboard my mind wanders. I can't seem to contain my focus and my work (and you guys) are suffering because of it.
I'd like to apologize. But sometimes I go through these stages where writing doesn't seem as fun as it used to. Today, and most of Sunday was an especially bad time for me. I can't seem to concentrate on anything but what happened and it's affecting me more than I want it to.
Sigh. The New Year needs to start. Pronto.
I'd like to apologize. But sometimes I go through these stages where writing doesn't seem as fun as it used to. Today, and most of Sunday was an especially bad time for me. I can't seem to concentrate on anything but what happened and it's affecting me more than I want it to.
Sigh. The New Year needs to start. Pronto.
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