The title says it all. I have been working my ass off, writing 'round the clock in order to finish "Always and Never" so I can have a rough outline of my new Hartley story but to be honest, Getting Over Edie has a whole chapter nearly finished. I guess it's because this story has been mulling around my brain for nearly a year. Actually, the characters have.
So, as promised I have an excerpt from the second Always and Never chapter. I chose a random part because I don't want to give away much. There is a LOT that happens and I don't want to spoil the goodness. I'm nearly finished with it, but again I won't say exactly when I'll be posting.
“What are you going to do?”
Rachel sighed. The million dollar question. “Close my eyes and wish it all away?”
“Sorry, Mami” Lucia said, shaking her head. “You don’t get away that easily.”
“I know,” she groaned. “I made my bed and now I have to lie in it. But I don’t know if I can.”
“What, give him up? Why not?”
She couldn’t explain it, her reasons for sticking around. To an outside person, it wouldn’t make sense, staying in a relationship that wasn’t really much of a relationship at all. To Rachel, it was better than the alternative, facing the encompassing loneliness that surrounded her almost daily. To say it aloud would force her to admit defeat, to acknowledge she made a terrible mistake, and that she never could handle the challenge of making Brendan love her. “It’s…it’s complicated.”
Lucia shook her head. “No, it’s not. It only seems that way because you already know the answer. You already know what you have to do Rach.” She sighed. “I just wish you could see how much more you deserve than Brendan Doyle.”
Rachel sighed, running an errant hand through her ebony locks before swooping the dark mass into a high ponytail, securing it with the black band on her wrist. “I know, Luce. I can’t make him love me. And I can’t make him leave his wife. I just wish this shit wouldn’t hurt. I ache. My heart literally hurts with every beat.”
“I know Mami,” she replied. “Now just imagine how it would hurt even more to stay in this mess. Trust me, you don’t need him.”
Oh Rachel. She's such a fragile character. Again, not going to get spoilerific but I will say this...when God closes a door, it's cause a window's about to open.
Anywho, better get back to work. On second thought...I think I've slept a total of four hours in the past two days. It might be time to fix that.
Until next time!
--S
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Forever Young, I Wanna Be...
The Return of the Gamer. Yes, it is true. I have returned to my gaming roots. For the past week and a half I've done nothing but play Tomb Raider and Guitar Hero. I am so ashamed of myself because I think I've written about a page and a half. What can I say...Lara Croft calls to me. I forgot how fucking hard Tomb Raider is...all that logic and badass gun play really takes it out of you.
Okay so maybe gaming isn't I've all done. I went out on Saturday with a couple of guy friends and it was awkward. I really have no idea why. Lately being around people has been weird. Is that weird? I don't know. I guess seeing other people going about their lives, being happy just makes me feel more isolated than ever. I was talking to my best friend and she said I just need to go and make new friends. Easier said than done. Why does it get so much harder to make friends as you get older? I meet tons of people, when I'm out at the bars, working at the club, etc. but nothing seems to stick. I guess it's because I still am pining for the days of undergrad, where all my friends were here. But now most everyone is gone, graduated and off to the real world. Sometimes I wonder if I made the right decision in sticking around. Maybe I should have gone somewhere else for grad school.
Technically it's not too late. My Masters program is online. I could just pack up and leave. Trouble is, I don't know where to go. I love my parentals, but I can't go home; it would make me feel like sixteen all over again. I really don't have that much money, so traveling is impossible.
Sigh. I just feel fucking stuck. Everyone tells me not to worry, that most kids my age feel this way...stuck in the throes of ending teen years while the call of adulthood and mid-twenties responsibilities gets louder and louder with each passing day. I have no idea what I want to be, what I want to do...part of me still feels like I have time, but the better half knows that's bullshit. Why do we have to grow up so quickly, move from worrying about term papers and group projects to credit card bills and home equity loans? I wish I could live college all over again, not because it was awesome (it was), but because maybe I would have done things differently.
No use in pining for the past. That's the hard lesson I've been trying to work through for the past month and a half. No use longing for the days I didn't feel so confused about life. No use in wishing for him to call and apologize. No use in dreaming about a life that was never mine. Getting lost in hopes and fantasies never helped anyone. I suppose I just have to work harder to make things make sense.
Seems like everyone but me has things worked out.
LOL, I think I just need to stop overanalyzing. I wish I could just turn off my brain and coast. I'd do anything for that feeling of total happiness to return. I believe I lost it around age 11 when I entered junior high. I think that's when I realized things were changing, moving into the inevitable direction of adulthood. I had to leave the things of kinderhood behind, or be doomed to forever play catch-up with life.
Ugh, sorry about all the self reflecting. It's been weighing heavily on my mind and I feel like this stuff really isn't the kind of thing to be said aloud (well, unless you're hammered).
I keep thinking about that song by The Bravery. "Time Won't Let Me Go."
Whenever I look back
On the best days of my life
I think I saw them all on T.V.
I am so homesick now for
Someone that I never knew
I am so homesick now for
Someplace I will never be
Time won't let me go
If I could do it all again
I'd go back and change everything
But time won't let me go
It's amazing, whenever you find the perfect song, the one that matches your mood so wonderfully and it fits neatly into this little space somewhere inside you; all at once you feel whole and alive and buzzing because somewhere out there someone understands how you feel. Music and lyrics give us hope and that knowledge that we aren't alone.
Well, once again this has been long and rambling. I think once classes start next Monday I'll be more focused. But for now, I remain quite lost in my thoughts.
Okay so maybe gaming isn't I've all done. I went out on Saturday with a couple of guy friends and it was awkward. I really have no idea why. Lately being around people has been weird. Is that weird? I don't know. I guess seeing other people going about their lives, being happy just makes me feel more isolated than ever. I was talking to my best friend and she said I just need to go and make new friends. Easier said than done. Why does it get so much harder to make friends as you get older? I meet tons of people, when I'm out at the bars, working at the club, etc. but nothing seems to stick. I guess it's because I still am pining for the days of undergrad, where all my friends were here. But now most everyone is gone, graduated and off to the real world. Sometimes I wonder if I made the right decision in sticking around. Maybe I should have gone somewhere else for grad school.
Technically it's not too late. My Masters program is online. I could just pack up and leave. Trouble is, I don't know where to go. I love my parentals, but I can't go home; it would make me feel like sixteen all over again. I really don't have that much money, so traveling is impossible.
Sigh. I just feel fucking stuck. Everyone tells me not to worry, that most kids my age feel this way...stuck in the throes of ending teen years while the call of adulthood and mid-twenties responsibilities gets louder and louder with each passing day. I have no idea what I want to be, what I want to do...part of me still feels like I have time, but the better half knows that's bullshit. Why do we have to grow up so quickly, move from worrying about term papers and group projects to credit card bills and home equity loans? I wish I could live college all over again, not because it was awesome (it was), but because maybe I would have done things differently.
No use in pining for the past. That's the hard lesson I've been trying to work through for the past month and a half. No use longing for the days I didn't feel so confused about life. No use in wishing for him to call and apologize. No use in dreaming about a life that was never mine. Getting lost in hopes and fantasies never helped anyone. I suppose I just have to work harder to make things make sense.
Seems like everyone but me has things worked out.
LOL, I think I just need to stop overanalyzing. I wish I could just turn off my brain and coast. I'd do anything for that feeling of total happiness to return. I believe I lost it around age 11 when I entered junior high. I think that's when I realized things were changing, moving into the inevitable direction of adulthood. I had to leave the things of kinderhood behind, or be doomed to forever play catch-up with life.
Ugh, sorry about all the self reflecting. It's been weighing heavily on my mind and I feel like this stuff really isn't the kind of thing to be said aloud (well, unless you're hammered).
I keep thinking about that song by The Bravery. "Time Won't Let Me Go."
Whenever I look back
On the best days of my life
I think I saw them all on T.V.
I am so homesick now for
Someone that I never knew
I am so homesick now for
Someplace I will never be
Time won't let me go
If I could do it all again
I'd go back and change everything
But time won't let me go
It's amazing, whenever you find the perfect song, the one that matches your mood so wonderfully and it fits neatly into this little space somewhere inside you; all at once you feel whole and alive and buzzing because somewhere out there someone understands how you feel. Music and lyrics give us hope and that knowledge that we aren't alone.
Well, once again this has been long and rambling. I think once classes start next Monday I'll be more focused. But for now, I remain quite lost in my thoughts.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
New Year, Newish Issues...
This one is going to be short. At least I hope so. I tend to ramble and jump from topic to topic. It's getting a little sad because it starts to show up in my writing at school. I try not to do it, to write like my thought process because I realize people can't read like the way I type. But most times my thoughts are a big jumble of ideas and it makes it hard to focus on one thing. It's not really ADD. My mother says it's me just being to overly observational and over-analytical.
Anywho, working the New Year's party was fun. I looked fly with my emo hair and tie and for the first time in a LONG time (I believe since my senior prom) I felt like a girly girl. I even had on stilettos, which might have been an epic fail because my feet were fucking throbbing at the end of the night. This always seems to happen whenever I wear dressy shoes. I can't help it I'm a Chucks and Vans kind of girl. Been that way since '98 and I'm not changing. Although I will admit whenever I start making real money my first splurge (besides a Technics turntable) will be a pair of Christian Louboutin shoes.
Or as I like to call them "Big Girl Shoes". I would do so many deliciously wicked things in those pumps. Snag me a Russian for sure.
Speaking of hot ass Russians...I've decided to push back one story to make room for another. Don't worry, I'm still writing Always and Never. Again, I'm not giving an exact date because I'm still trying to get the interwebs fixed at my house and I have work, money issues, and grad school (you know, the same problems that followed me after the holiday) to worry about. I'm confident things will work out. I'm trying hard to avoid the money pitfalls so many people my age fall into. I'm really careful with my money (a little too careful according to my friends. I'm sorry, paying 8 bucks for a damn drink when I can buy a whole bottle for a few dollars more is bullshit). I'd rather spend my money on things more worthwhile...like comics and music.
Shit, see I got off topic. I meant to tell you about my new story. I'm going back to my Hartley roots. This time, I'm writing about my girl Carrie. Besides Tegan, she's got to be my favorite female character. She's...well, she's a damn bitch but she's so interesting. I've been thinking about her story for a LONG time, even before Derek and Tegan. I initially was thinking about her and Derek and realized that would have been too obvious. Plus I knew Carrie was going to need a man just as edgy and fierce as her. And as much as I love my little Ryan, he's not enough to handle Ms. DiValenti. I'm not going to give too much away. Favorite characters will return, some couples break up, and there's a major side plot involving my redhead Jess but it will definitely be worth the read. And the man...let's just say you might need a fan after reading :).
So this was supposed to be short...and it's totally not. Gotta get back to writing!
Anywho, working the New Year's party was fun. I looked fly with my emo hair and tie and for the first time in a LONG time (I believe since my senior prom) I felt like a girly girl. I even had on stilettos, which might have been an epic fail because my feet were fucking throbbing at the end of the night. This always seems to happen whenever I wear dressy shoes. I can't help it I'm a Chucks and Vans kind of girl. Been that way since '98 and I'm not changing. Although I will admit whenever I start making real money my first splurge (besides a Technics turntable) will be a pair of Christian Louboutin shoes.
Or as I like to call them "Big Girl Shoes". I would do so many deliciously wicked things in those pumps. Snag me a Russian for sure. Speaking of hot ass Russians...I've decided to push back one story to make room for another. Don't worry, I'm still writing Always and Never. Again, I'm not giving an exact date because I'm still trying to get the interwebs fixed at my house and I have work, money issues, and grad school (you know, the same problems that followed me after the holiday) to worry about. I'm confident things will work out. I'm trying hard to avoid the money pitfalls so many people my age fall into. I'm really careful with my money (a little too careful according to my friends. I'm sorry, paying 8 bucks for a damn drink when I can buy a whole bottle for a few dollars more is bullshit). I'd rather spend my money on things more worthwhile...like comics and music.
Shit, see I got off topic. I meant to tell you about my new story. I'm going back to my Hartley roots. This time, I'm writing about my girl Carrie. Besides Tegan, she's got to be my favorite female character. She's...well, she's a damn bitch but she's so interesting. I've been thinking about her story for a LONG time, even before Derek and Tegan. I initially was thinking about her and Derek and realized that would have been too obvious. Plus I knew Carrie was going to need a man just as edgy and fierce as her. And as much as I love my little Ryan, he's not enough to handle Ms. DiValenti. I'm not going to give too much away. Favorite characters will return, some couples break up, and there's a major side plot involving my redhead Jess but it will definitely be worth the read. And the man...let's just say you might need a fan after reading :).
So this was supposed to be short...and it's totally not. Gotta get back to writing!
Monday, December 29, 2008
Crystal Castles Makes Me Shake My Moneymaker!
Lol, I can't stress how much I fucking love CC. I've been on this jawn since early '08 when I nearly killed the CD at the radio station. It rekindled my love for all things dance and electronica. As a DJ at the college radio station, we have to make a yearly list of out top ten records. I noticed that at least seven of my spots were dance albums (the exception being Adele's "19"). Crystal Castles was up there, along with Cut Copy and the new Shiny Toy Guns (which is so fucking bomb.com). Damn I love music. Check out Crystal Castles. I recommend the following songs: Alice Practice, Crimewave, Knights, and Black Panther.
This entry comes about mainly from boredom. I really shouldn't be bored, with writing the "Always and Never" sequel and my brand new story (which I'm kinda proud of). But alas, here I am, dicking around on my blog.
Things are going okay. I'm leaving for West Va. tomorrow. Back to the grind. I work the New Year's party at the club and I'm uber pumped only because we have to dress nice. Lol, I love band shirts, but damn it's nice to look like a girl once in awhile. Okay, I'm going to be honest...the only reason I'm super excited is because I get to wear a tie. I've never had to before. I can't wait to bring out my inner Annie Hall.
I saw The Spirit yesterday. Totally sick. Samuel L was badass as always. It's so unlike Sin City. While the latter was serious and darkly humorous, The Spirit is supposed to be campy and dark humor. The villians are ridiculous (Paz Vega's sword-wielding temptress is named Plaster au Paris) and the action is over the top, but in a good way. I wish it was a bit darker like the comics, but all in all it wasn't bad. Oh yeah, and Eva Mendes...mmm, she's totally added to that list of "Chicks I'd Go Gay For". I think I've seen all her no-no bits and she's just smokin' hot.
Someday I'll publish that list. I suppose I'll put up my list of "Hot Ass Men That Could Tear It Up" too. That's a list of guys my best friend and I compiled of guys we know and celebrities we think can lay some bomb ass pipe (or tear it the hell up). The top of her list? Gerard Butler, simply because she wants him to yell "This...is...SPARTA!" right before orgasm. LOL.
At the top of mine? No contest. CLIVE MOTHERFUCKING OWEN. Or Henry Cavill. Or Jonathan Rhys-Meyers. Gale Harold, Takeshi Kaneshiro, Pharell Williams...okay I'm getting ahead of myself.. *Shudder*. And then of course there's the epic "Hot Older Men I'd Bone" playlist, consisting of such favorites as Benecio del Toro, Andy Garcia, Robert DeNiro, and D.L. Hughley.
Lol, so as you can see...I'm apparently feeling much better as my normal "guy appreciation" side returns. (as opposed to boy-crazy. I'm too fucking old for that title.)
I should get back to writing. In my next entry I'll post the pictures for "Getting Over Edie". I think I'm going to start submitting stories to The Chamber, starting with "GOE". I've been reading the stuff over there and those chicks are totally live. You should definitely give a look-see.
Ooh, I totally forgot! I went to Hot Topic yesterday (I am so ashamed of myself) to get new jewelery for my lip ring and I found the most epic of epics.
One of my favorite albums of 2007. I found it on vinyl for 15 bucks and nearly gasm'd.
And so ends my ridiculously long and pointless entry about nothing. Cheers!
This entry comes about mainly from boredom. I really shouldn't be bored, with writing the "Always and Never" sequel and my brand new story (which I'm kinda proud of). But alas, here I am, dicking around on my blog.
Things are going okay. I'm leaving for West Va. tomorrow. Back to the grind. I work the New Year's party at the club and I'm uber pumped only because we have to dress nice. Lol, I love band shirts, but damn it's nice to look like a girl once in awhile. Okay, I'm going to be honest...the only reason I'm super excited is because I get to wear a tie. I've never had to before. I can't wait to bring out my inner Annie Hall.
I saw The Spirit yesterday. Totally sick. Samuel L was badass as always. It's so unlike Sin City. While the latter was serious and darkly humorous, The Spirit is supposed to be campy and dark humor. The villians are ridiculous (Paz Vega's sword-wielding temptress is named Plaster au Paris) and the action is over the top, but in a good way. I wish it was a bit darker like the comics, but all in all it wasn't bad. Oh yeah, and Eva Mendes...mmm, she's totally added to that list of "Chicks I'd Go Gay For". I think I've seen all her no-no bits and she's just smokin' hot.
Someday I'll publish that list. I suppose I'll put up my list of "Hot Ass Men That Could Tear It Up" too. That's a list of guys my best friend and I compiled of guys we know and celebrities we think can lay some bomb ass pipe (or tear it the hell up). The top of her list? Gerard Butler, simply because she wants him to yell "This...is...SPARTA!" right before orgasm. LOL.
At the top of mine? No contest. CLIVE MOTHERFUCKING OWEN. Or Henry Cavill. Or Jonathan Rhys-Meyers. Gale Harold, Takeshi Kaneshiro, Pharell Williams...okay I'm getting ahead of myself.. *Shudder*. And then of course there's the epic "Hot Older Men I'd Bone" playlist, consisting of such favorites as Benecio del Toro, Andy Garcia, Robert DeNiro, and D.L. Hughley.
Lol, so as you can see...I'm apparently feeling much better as my normal "guy appreciation" side returns. (as opposed to boy-crazy. I'm too fucking old for that title.)
I should get back to writing. In my next entry I'll post the pictures for "Getting Over Edie". I think I'm going to start submitting stories to The Chamber, starting with "GOE". I've been reading the stuff over there and those chicks are totally live. You should definitely give a look-see.
Ooh, I totally forgot! I went to Hot Topic yesterday (I am so ashamed of myself) to get new jewelery for my lip ring and I found the most epic of epics.
One of my favorite albums of 2007. I found it on vinyl for 15 bucks and nearly gasm'd.
And so ends my ridiculously long and pointless entry about nothing. Cheers!
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Decisions, Decisions...
I hope a Merry Christmas was in store for each and every one of my readers.
After a lot of deliberations and countless drafts, I've decided to write another part to "Always and Never". At the time, I really didn't see the point of continuing the story. But after I read (and re-read) the damn thing I realized I just couldn't end it that way. There were so many emails (which I still need to respond to. Don't worry, I'm working my way through them) from you guys, talking about your own experiences with relationships of a similar emotional nature. As someone put it,, giving Rachel the ending she deserved was a lot better than the ending she would get in real life.
I think I can satisfy my inner writer and still produce a great read for you. To be honest, I'm a little intimated by "Always and Never". It's uncharted territory, writing a female character so emotionally weak and fragile. They tend to annoy the balls outta me. And don't even get me started on asshole guys. So not attractive. But I found it was easier to do so in this case because it was something I really went through. For the first (and last time, real talk) I was that weak girl, giving in because of eagerness to please.
I judged Rachel, even when I was writing her and that bitterness comes out in my writing. Even when I was writing her character, after everything I went through I tried not to like her. There was so much of me in her. And now that I'm not as hurt and as angry as I was writing the first part, I fear I've lost that raw pain that was so evident. When I say this story drained me, I mean REALLY. It was tough to write and I never read it fully until a few days ago. That's when I realized it was begging for a aequel.
So I've put fingers to keyboard. I know that the only way I'll be able to move on with my other works is by getting this damn beast that is "Always and Never" out of my head and onto the paper. I won't give you an exact time frame for the story. My new semester doesn't start until January 12th, so I've got some time.
In other news, I got some kickass Christmas prezzies. I finally got my XBOX 360, the new Guitar Hero, Tomb Raider: Underworld, and my favorite: Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe! OMG, it's going to be so cool kicking Batman's ass. Marvel Comics fo' life.
Dorkdom aside, the reason I'm so anxious to get "Always and Never" out is because I'm itching to work on this new story I've got rolling around. I've started the first chapter already and it's looking promising. It's called "Getting Over Edie" and it's about a writer who gets dumped and the steps he takes to mend his broken heart. (LOL, sound familiar?) I know, two breakup stories back-to-back. But this one is different. There's a lot of humor mixed in with the heart. And I'm trying something new: writing in first person from the male perspective. I've never done that before and with a novel-type story. But I'm up to the challenge.
Anywho, I should probably get back to writing. I wanted to include the soundtrack for "Always and Never". It's just songs I've been listening to during my own drama and stuff that's fueled my creativity. Hope you enjoy!
After a lot of deliberations and countless drafts, I've decided to write another part to "Always and Never". At the time, I really didn't see the point of continuing the story. But after I read (and re-read) the damn thing I realized I just couldn't end it that way. There were so many emails (which I still need to respond to. Don't worry, I'm working my way through them) from you guys, talking about your own experiences with relationships of a similar emotional nature. As someone put it,, giving Rachel the ending she deserved was a lot better than the ending she would get in real life.
I think I can satisfy my inner writer and still produce a great read for you. To be honest, I'm a little intimated by "Always and Never". It's uncharted territory, writing a female character so emotionally weak and fragile. They tend to annoy the balls outta me. And don't even get me started on asshole guys. So not attractive. But I found it was easier to do so in this case because it was something I really went through. For the first (and last time, real talk) I was that weak girl, giving in because of eagerness to please.
I judged Rachel, even when I was writing her and that bitterness comes out in my writing. Even when I was writing her character, after everything I went through I tried not to like her. There was so much of me in her. And now that I'm not as hurt and as angry as I was writing the first part, I fear I've lost that raw pain that was so evident. When I say this story drained me, I mean REALLY. It was tough to write and I never read it fully until a few days ago. That's when I realized it was begging for a aequel.
So I've put fingers to keyboard. I know that the only way I'll be able to move on with my other works is by getting this damn beast that is "Always and Never" out of my head and onto the paper. I won't give you an exact time frame for the story. My new semester doesn't start until January 12th, so I've got some time.
In other news, I got some kickass Christmas prezzies. I finally got my XBOX 360, the new Guitar Hero, Tomb Raider: Underworld, and my favorite: Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe! OMG, it's going to be so cool kicking Batman's ass. Marvel Comics fo' life.
Dorkdom aside, the reason I'm so anxious to get "Always and Never" out is because I'm itching to work on this new story I've got rolling around. I've started the first chapter already and it's looking promising. It's called "Getting Over Edie" and it's about a writer who gets dumped and the steps he takes to mend his broken heart. (LOL, sound familiar?) I know, two breakup stories back-to-back. But this one is different. There's a lot of humor mixed in with the heart. And I'm trying something new: writing in first person from the male perspective. I've never done that before and with a novel-type story. But I'm up to the challenge.
Anywho, I should probably get back to writing. I wanted to include the soundtrack for "Always and Never". It's just songs I've been listening to during my own drama and stuff that's fueled my creativity. Hope you enjoy!
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Merry Christmas
As promised, here is my pre-Christmas post. Things are going rather well. I'm writing again. As I said on my profile at Lit, I don't know whether or not I'm going to continue "Always and Never". At this point, I'm not sure where to take the story and I don't want to drop the ball. I do know that things could never end happily, as in Rachel can never really be with Brendan. For her to continue such a toxic relationship...just wouldn't be cool. Although sadly, it's a reality for some women.
Speaking of, your many concerns for me touched my heart. I'm doing okay, taking it one day at a time. I didn't want to say this on Lit, because it's such a public venue, but I can say it here 'cause it's my damn blog and if you're reading this, it's clearly a sign you really want to know more about me and my work. Just to set the record straight, I was NOT involved with a married man. I was in a situation with a guy (a much older guy...about 9 years or so) who was very set in his ways. He was adamant, always saying "you know what I want, and how I want it". It was always his way, and if I disagreed, he said it was because i was immature or scared of the relationship.
It was always what he wanted. In his defense, I never told him what I really wanted because honestly it never matched up to his desires. We had things in common, but I wasn't ready to move to where he lived and change my whole life on a fantastical whim (and with good reason, apparently). At first, I considered him a friend, because he made me laugh, and then that friendship grew deeper when he admitted he had feelings for me. I started liking him, but in the back of my mind, I knew that being with him just wasn't for me. I never said anything because I was afraid. I'd always been the girl guys had as a friend. I was never the girlfriend. And here it was, this really handsome guy paying me attention, saying he wanted me and wanted to be with me.
So I gave in, let those feelings wash over me. I began to change myself in ways i knew would make him happy, doing things that turned him on because seeing him that way gave me pleasure. But after awhile I realized that I was changing a lot. I was losing weight for myself, but it was an added bonus when he asked about it. And then when he kept asking about it, or picking out outfit and trying to dress me up in things that SO were not me...wheels starting turning.
While there wasn't an "other woman" situation (I mean, until later, I always felt like the other woman, competing with that altered, fake ass image of what he was trying to mold me into. I took it, like a dumbass, never speaking up...until I reached my breaking point. Once that happened, I couldn't stop. I told him how I felt, and he responded by cutting off contact. I haven't spoken to him in almost two weeks. At first it was hard. REALLY hard. I cried a lot. I never cry. I think I've shed more tears in the past weeks than in my entire life. I've never been an emotional person, but this shit broke my heart. Really. Everything ached. To go from someone loving you one day, to tossing you away like a dirty rag doll...fuck, that's just torture.
But after I wrote him that cordial and sweet but slightly acidic "fuck you" letter, I was happy. I felt a weight being lifted because I finally realized that changing myself to make others happy ain't making me happy. I love my life. I've got an amazing fam, great friends, a place to live, ALCOHOL, comic books, music, and a better sense of who I am and who I want to be. It's amazing how hard it is to really see these things when your heart is breaking.
So now, I take it one day at a time, as my best friend told me to do. There are days when I still think about him; when I wish that when it's that signal for a text, it would be him saying 'good morning' or 'i love you'. Sometimes I find myself looking at my cell, willing him to call. I'll think about whether he's thinking about me; if he misses talking to me, or my 7AM wake up calls just so he could hear my voice before he left for work.
Yeah, I think about these things but I don't dwell. As hard as it sounds, it's time for me to move on. He apparently has.
So I raise my glass of champagne I'm currently sipping (I am so classy) to myself. And to all of you. Have a Merry Christmas, and don't forget to tell the people in your life that you love them.
I know i heart all of you.
There's a lot in store for nerd4music fans in the new year.
Speaking of, your many concerns for me touched my heart. I'm doing okay, taking it one day at a time. I didn't want to say this on Lit, because it's such a public venue, but I can say it here 'cause it's my damn blog and if you're reading this, it's clearly a sign you really want to know more about me and my work. Just to set the record straight, I was NOT involved with a married man. I was in a situation with a guy (a much older guy...about 9 years or so) who was very set in his ways. He was adamant, always saying "you know what I want, and how I want it". It was always his way, and if I disagreed, he said it was because i was immature or scared of the relationship.
It was always what he wanted. In his defense, I never told him what I really wanted because honestly it never matched up to his desires. We had things in common, but I wasn't ready to move to where he lived and change my whole life on a fantastical whim (and with good reason, apparently). At first, I considered him a friend, because he made me laugh, and then that friendship grew deeper when he admitted he had feelings for me. I started liking him, but in the back of my mind, I knew that being with him just wasn't for me. I never said anything because I was afraid. I'd always been the girl guys had as a friend. I was never the girlfriend. And here it was, this really handsome guy paying me attention, saying he wanted me and wanted to be with me.
So I gave in, let those feelings wash over me. I began to change myself in ways i knew would make him happy, doing things that turned him on because seeing him that way gave me pleasure. But after awhile I realized that I was changing a lot. I was losing weight for myself, but it was an added bonus when he asked about it. And then when he kept asking about it, or picking out outfit and trying to dress me up in things that SO were not me...wheels starting turning.
While there wasn't an "other woman" situation (I mean, until later, I always felt like the other woman, competing with that altered, fake ass image of what he was trying to mold me into. I took it, like a dumbass, never speaking up...until I reached my breaking point. Once that happened, I couldn't stop. I told him how I felt, and he responded by cutting off contact. I haven't spoken to him in almost two weeks. At first it was hard. REALLY hard. I cried a lot. I never cry. I think I've shed more tears in the past weeks than in my entire life. I've never been an emotional person, but this shit broke my heart. Really. Everything ached. To go from someone loving you one day, to tossing you away like a dirty rag doll...fuck, that's just torture.
But after I wrote him that cordial and sweet but slightly acidic "fuck you" letter, I was happy. I felt a weight being lifted because I finally realized that changing myself to make others happy ain't making me happy. I love my life. I've got an amazing fam, great friends, a place to live, ALCOHOL, comic books, music, and a better sense of who I am and who I want to be. It's amazing how hard it is to really see these things when your heart is breaking.
So now, I take it one day at a time, as my best friend told me to do. There are days when I still think about him; when I wish that when it's that signal for a text, it would be him saying 'good morning' or 'i love you'. Sometimes I find myself looking at my cell, willing him to call. I'll think about whether he's thinking about me; if he misses talking to me, or my 7AM wake up calls just so he could hear my voice before he left for work.
Yeah, I think about these things but I don't dwell. As hard as it sounds, it's time for me to move on. He apparently has.
So I raise my glass of champagne I'm currently sipping (I am so classy) to myself. And to all of you. Have a Merry Christmas, and don't forget to tell the people in your life that you love them.
I know i heart all of you.
There's a lot in store for nerd4music fans in the new year.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Happy Monday!
Never thought I'd ever say those words. Indeed, I am quite happy. I'm two assignments away from finishing up the longest semester ever, I'm going home for the holidays one day earlier than expected, and my new story is FINALLY up!
'Tis the season.
I always get a little blue around New Year's, but since I'll be spending it working at the club, it shouldn't be so bad. For those of you that don't know, I work at as a door girl, checking IDs at one of the clubs here in Morgantown. It's pretty interesting work.
New Year's is going to be interesting. Although part of me is always secretly jealous of happy couples kissing at midnight. I start to wonder how much I'm missing out on. But then I think about the MAJOR fucking bullet I just dodged this past season and then I say thank you Jesus for letting some of that good sense my Mommy gave me actually sink into my hard head. Lord knows she yelled enough. For those of you who didn't have the pleasure of growing up with a West Indian momma, they tend to yell more, and guilt trip. It's no wonder I get along with my Jewish friends so well. (LOL)
Anyway, I should probably grab some food before I head out on the road. I'll try to post once more before Christmas, but if I don't...Have a safe and wonderful Holiday everyone!
'Tis the season.
I always get a little blue around New Year's, but since I'll be spending it working at the club, it shouldn't be so bad. For those of you that don't know, I work at as a door girl, checking IDs at one of the clubs here in Morgantown. It's pretty interesting work.
New Year's is going to be interesting. Although part of me is always secretly jealous of happy couples kissing at midnight. I start to wonder how much I'm missing out on. But then I think about the MAJOR fucking bullet I just dodged this past season and then I say thank you Jesus for letting some of that good sense my Mommy gave me actually sink into my hard head. Lord knows she yelled enough. For those of you who didn't have the pleasure of growing up with a West Indian momma, they tend to yell more, and guilt trip. It's no wonder I get along with my Jewish friends so well. (LOL)
Anyway, I should probably grab some food before I head out on the road. I'll try to post once more before Christmas, but if I don't...Have a safe and wonderful Holiday everyone!
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