The Return of the Gamer. Yes, it is true. I have returned to my gaming roots. For the past week and a half I've done nothing but play Tomb Raider and Guitar Hero. I am so ashamed of myself because I think I've written about a page and a half. What can I say...Lara Croft calls to me. I forgot how fucking hard Tomb Raider is...all that logic and badass gun play really takes it out of you.
Okay so maybe gaming isn't I've all done. I went out on Saturday with a couple of guy friends and it was awkward. I really have no idea why. Lately being around people has been weird. Is that weird? I don't know. I guess seeing other people going about their lives, being happy just makes me feel more isolated than ever. I was talking to my best friend and she said I just need to go and make new friends. Easier said than done. Why does it get so much harder to make friends as you get older? I meet tons of people, when I'm out at the bars, working at the club, etc. but nothing seems to stick. I guess it's because I still am pining for the days of undergrad, where all my friends were here. But now most everyone is gone, graduated and off to the real world. Sometimes I wonder if I made the right decision in sticking around. Maybe I should have gone somewhere else for grad school.
Technically it's not too late. My Masters program is online. I could just pack up and leave. Trouble is, I don't know where to go. I love my parentals, but I can't go home; it would make me feel like sixteen all over again. I really don't have that much money, so traveling is impossible.
Sigh. I just feel fucking stuck. Everyone tells me not to worry, that most kids my age feel this way...stuck in the throes of ending teen years while the call of adulthood and mid-twenties responsibilities gets louder and louder with each passing day. I have no idea what I want to be, what I want to do...part of me still feels like I have time, but the better half knows that's bullshit. Why do we have to grow up so quickly, move from worrying about term papers and group projects to credit card bills and home equity loans? I wish I could live college all over again, not because it was awesome (it was), but because maybe I would have done things differently.
No use in pining for the past. That's the hard lesson I've been trying to work through for the past month and a half. No use longing for the days I didn't feel so confused about life. No use in wishing for him to call and apologize. No use in dreaming about a life that was never mine. Getting lost in hopes and fantasies never helped anyone. I suppose I just have to work harder to make things make sense.
Seems like everyone but me has things worked out.
LOL, I think I just need to stop overanalyzing. I wish I could just turn off my brain and coast. I'd do anything for that feeling of total happiness to return. I believe I lost it around age 11 when I entered junior high. I think that's when I realized things were changing, moving into the inevitable direction of adulthood. I had to leave the things of kinderhood behind, or be doomed to forever play catch-up with life.
Ugh, sorry about all the self reflecting. It's been weighing heavily on my mind and I feel like this stuff really isn't the kind of thing to be said aloud (well, unless you're hammered).
I keep thinking about that song by The Bravery. "Time Won't Let Me Go."
Whenever I look back
On the best days of my life
I think I saw them all on T.V.
I am so homesick now for
Someone that I never knew
I am so homesick now for
Someplace I will never be
Time won't let me go
If I could do it all again
I'd go back and change everything
But time won't let me go
It's amazing, whenever you find the perfect song, the one that matches your mood so wonderfully and it fits neatly into this little space somewhere inside you; all at once you feel whole and alive and buzzing because somewhere out there someone understands how you feel. Music and lyrics give us hope and that knowledge that we aren't alone.
Well, once again this has been long and rambling. I think once classes start next Monday I'll be more focused. But for now, I remain quite lost in my thoughts.
1 comment:
You're not alone. I lost that feeling of complete happiness when I was twelve. I remember realizing that it was happening, and wishing things would remain the same, but knowing it was impossible.
You're a very good writer, by the way.
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