The title says it all. I have been working my ass off, writing 'round the clock in order to finish "Always and Never" so I can have a rough outline of my new Hartley story but to be honest, Getting Over Edie has a whole chapter nearly finished. I guess it's because this story has been mulling around my brain for nearly a year. Actually, the characters have.
So, as promised I have an excerpt from the second Always and Never chapter. I chose a random part because I don't want to give away much. There is a LOT that happens and I don't want to spoil the goodness. I'm nearly finished with it, but again I won't say exactly when I'll be posting.
“What are you going to do?”
Rachel sighed. The million dollar question. “Close my eyes and wish it all away?”
“Sorry, Mami” Lucia said, shaking her head. “You don’t get away that easily.”
“I know,” she groaned. “I made my bed and now I have to lie in it. But I don’t know if I can.”
“What, give him up? Why not?”
She couldn’t explain it, her reasons for sticking around. To an outside person, it wouldn’t make sense, staying in a relationship that wasn’t really much of a relationship at all. To Rachel, it was better than the alternative, facing the encompassing loneliness that surrounded her almost daily. To say it aloud would force her to admit defeat, to acknowledge she made a terrible mistake, and that she never could handle the challenge of making Brendan love her. “It’s…it’s complicated.”
Lucia shook her head. “No, it’s not. It only seems that way because you already know the answer. You already know what you have to do Rach.” She sighed. “I just wish you could see how much more you deserve than Brendan Doyle.”
Rachel sighed, running an errant hand through her ebony locks before swooping the dark mass into a high ponytail, securing it with the black band on her wrist. “I know, Luce. I can’t make him love me. And I can’t make him leave his wife. I just wish this shit wouldn’t hurt. I ache. My heart literally hurts with every beat.”
“I know Mami,” she replied. “Now just imagine how it would hurt even more to stay in this mess. Trust me, you don’t need him.”
Oh Rachel. She's such a fragile character. Again, not going to get spoilerific but I will say this...when God closes a door, it's cause a window's about to open.
Anywho, better get back to work. On second thought...I think I've slept a total of four hours in the past two days. It might be time to fix that.
Until next time!
--S
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Forever Young, I Wanna Be...
The Return of the Gamer. Yes, it is true. I have returned to my gaming roots. For the past week and a half I've done nothing but play Tomb Raider and Guitar Hero. I am so ashamed of myself because I think I've written about a page and a half. What can I say...Lara Croft calls to me. I forgot how fucking hard Tomb Raider is...all that logic and badass gun play really takes it out of you.
Okay so maybe gaming isn't I've all done. I went out on Saturday with a couple of guy friends and it was awkward. I really have no idea why. Lately being around people has been weird. Is that weird? I don't know. I guess seeing other people going about their lives, being happy just makes me feel more isolated than ever. I was talking to my best friend and she said I just need to go and make new friends. Easier said than done. Why does it get so much harder to make friends as you get older? I meet tons of people, when I'm out at the bars, working at the club, etc. but nothing seems to stick. I guess it's because I still am pining for the days of undergrad, where all my friends were here. But now most everyone is gone, graduated and off to the real world. Sometimes I wonder if I made the right decision in sticking around. Maybe I should have gone somewhere else for grad school.
Technically it's not too late. My Masters program is online. I could just pack up and leave. Trouble is, I don't know where to go. I love my parentals, but I can't go home; it would make me feel like sixteen all over again. I really don't have that much money, so traveling is impossible.
Sigh. I just feel fucking stuck. Everyone tells me not to worry, that most kids my age feel this way...stuck in the throes of ending teen years while the call of adulthood and mid-twenties responsibilities gets louder and louder with each passing day. I have no idea what I want to be, what I want to do...part of me still feels like I have time, but the better half knows that's bullshit. Why do we have to grow up so quickly, move from worrying about term papers and group projects to credit card bills and home equity loans? I wish I could live college all over again, not because it was awesome (it was), but because maybe I would have done things differently.
No use in pining for the past. That's the hard lesson I've been trying to work through for the past month and a half. No use longing for the days I didn't feel so confused about life. No use in wishing for him to call and apologize. No use in dreaming about a life that was never mine. Getting lost in hopes and fantasies never helped anyone. I suppose I just have to work harder to make things make sense.
Seems like everyone but me has things worked out.
LOL, I think I just need to stop overanalyzing. I wish I could just turn off my brain and coast. I'd do anything for that feeling of total happiness to return. I believe I lost it around age 11 when I entered junior high. I think that's when I realized things were changing, moving into the inevitable direction of adulthood. I had to leave the things of kinderhood behind, or be doomed to forever play catch-up with life.
Ugh, sorry about all the self reflecting. It's been weighing heavily on my mind and I feel like this stuff really isn't the kind of thing to be said aloud (well, unless you're hammered).
I keep thinking about that song by The Bravery. "Time Won't Let Me Go."
Whenever I look back
On the best days of my life
I think I saw them all on T.V.
I am so homesick now for
Someone that I never knew
I am so homesick now for
Someplace I will never be
Time won't let me go
If I could do it all again
I'd go back and change everything
But time won't let me go
It's amazing, whenever you find the perfect song, the one that matches your mood so wonderfully and it fits neatly into this little space somewhere inside you; all at once you feel whole and alive and buzzing because somewhere out there someone understands how you feel. Music and lyrics give us hope and that knowledge that we aren't alone.
Well, once again this has been long and rambling. I think once classes start next Monday I'll be more focused. But for now, I remain quite lost in my thoughts.
Okay so maybe gaming isn't I've all done. I went out on Saturday with a couple of guy friends and it was awkward. I really have no idea why. Lately being around people has been weird. Is that weird? I don't know. I guess seeing other people going about their lives, being happy just makes me feel more isolated than ever. I was talking to my best friend and she said I just need to go and make new friends. Easier said than done. Why does it get so much harder to make friends as you get older? I meet tons of people, when I'm out at the bars, working at the club, etc. but nothing seems to stick. I guess it's because I still am pining for the days of undergrad, where all my friends were here. But now most everyone is gone, graduated and off to the real world. Sometimes I wonder if I made the right decision in sticking around. Maybe I should have gone somewhere else for grad school.
Technically it's not too late. My Masters program is online. I could just pack up and leave. Trouble is, I don't know where to go. I love my parentals, but I can't go home; it would make me feel like sixteen all over again. I really don't have that much money, so traveling is impossible.
Sigh. I just feel fucking stuck. Everyone tells me not to worry, that most kids my age feel this way...stuck in the throes of ending teen years while the call of adulthood and mid-twenties responsibilities gets louder and louder with each passing day. I have no idea what I want to be, what I want to do...part of me still feels like I have time, but the better half knows that's bullshit. Why do we have to grow up so quickly, move from worrying about term papers and group projects to credit card bills and home equity loans? I wish I could live college all over again, not because it was awesome (it was), but because maybe I would have done things differently.
No use in pining for the past. That's the hard lesson I've been trying to work through for the past month and a half. No use longing for the days I didn't feel so confused about life. No use in wishing for him to call and apologize. No use in dreaming about a life that was never mine. Getting lost in hopes and fantasies never helped anyone. I suppose I just have to work harder to make things make sense.
Seems like everyone but me has things worked out.
LOL, I think I just need to stop overanalyzing. I wish I could just turn off my brain and coast. I'd do anything for that feeling of total happiness to return. I believe I lost it around age 11 when I entered junior high. I think that's when I realized things were changing, moving into the inevitable direction of adulthood. I had to leave the things of kinderhood behind, or be doomed to forever play catch-up with life.
Ugh, sorry about all the self reflecting. It's been weighing heavily on my mind and I feel like this stuff really isn't the kind of thing to be said aloud (well, unless you're hammered).
I keep thinking about that song by The Bravery. "Time Won't Let Me Go."
Whenever I look back
On the best days of my life
I think I saw them all on T.V.
I am so homesick now for
Someone that I never knew
I am so homesick now for
Someplace I will never be
Time won't let me go
If I could do it all again
I'd go back and change everything
But time won't let me go
It's amazing, whenever you find the perfect song, the one that matches your mood so wonderfully and it fits neatly into this little space somewhere inside you; all at once you feel whole and alive and buzzing because somewhere out there someone understands how you feel. Music and lyrics give us hope and that knowledge that we aren't alone.
Well, once again this has been long and rambling. I think once classes start next Monday I'll be more focused. But for now, I remain quite lost in my thoughts.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
New Year, Newish Issues...
This one is going to be short. At least I hope so. I tend to ramble and jump from topic to topic. It's getting a little sad because it starts to show up in my writing at school. I try not to do it, to write like my thought process because I realize people can't read like the way I type. But most times my thoughts are a big jumble of ideas and it makes it hard to focus on one thing. It's not really ADD. My mother says it's me just being to overly observational and over-analytical.
Anywho, working the New Year's party was fun. I looked fly with my emo hair and tie and for the first time in a LONG time (I believe since my senior prom) I felt like a girly girl. I even had on stilettos, which might have been an epic fail because my feet were fucking throbbing at the end of the night. This always seems to happen whenever I wear dressy shoes. I can't help it I'm a Chucks and Vans kind of girl. Been that way since '98 and I'm not changing. Although I will admit whenever I start making real money my first splurge (besides a Technics turntable) will be a pair of Christian Louboutin shoes.
Or as I like to call them "Big Girl Shoes". I would do so many deliciously wicked things in those pumps. Snag me a Russian for sure.
Speaking of hot ass Russians...I've decided to push back one story to make room for another. Don't worry, I'm still writing Always and Never. Again, I'm not giving an exact date because I'm still trying to get the interwebs fixed at my house and I have work, money issues, and grad school (you know, the same problems that followed me after the holiday) to worry about. I'm confident things will work out. I'm trying hard to avoid the money pitfalls so many people my age fall into. I'm really careful with my money (a little too careful according to my friends. I'm sorry, paying 8 bucks for a damn drink when I can buy a whole bottle for a few dollars more is bullshit). I'd rather spend my money on things more worthwhile...like comics and music.
Shit, see I got off topic. I meant to tell you about my new story. I'm going back to my Hartley roots. This time, I'm writing about my girl Carrie. Besides Tegan, she's got to be my favorite female character. She's...well, she's a damn bitch but she's so interesting. I've been thinking about her story for a LONG time, even before Derek and Tegan. I initially was thinking about her and Derek and realized that would have been too obvious. Plus I knew Carrie was going to need a man just as edgy and fierce as her. And as much as I love my little Ryan, he's not enough to handle Ms. DiValenti. I'm not going to give too much away. Favorite characters will return, some couples break up, and there's a major side plot involving my redhead Jess but it will definitely be worth the read. And the man...let's just say you might need a fan after reading :).
So this was supposed to be short...and it's totally not. Gotta get back to writing!
Anywho, working the New Year's party was fun. I looked fly with my emo hair and tie and for the first time in a LONG time (I believe since my senior prom) I felt like a girly girl. I even had on stilettos, which might have been an epic fail because my feet were fucking throbbing at the end of the night. This always seems to happen whenever I wear dressy shoes. I can't help it I'm a Chucks and Vans kind of girl. Been that way since '98 and I'm not changing. Although I will admit whenever I start making real money my first splurge (besides a Technics turntable) will be a pair of Christian Louboutin shoes.
Or as I like to call them "Big Girl Shoes". I would do so many deliciously wicked things in those pumps. Snag me a Russian for sure. Speaking of hot ass Russians...I've decided to push back one story to make room for another. Don't worry, I'm still writing Always and Never. Again, I'm not giving an exact date because I'm still trying to get the interwebs fixed at my house and I have work, money issues, and grad school (you know, the same problems that followed me after the holiday) to worry about. I'm confident things will work out. I'm trying hard to avoid the money pitfalls so many people my age fall into. I'm really careful with my money (a little too careful according to my friends. I'm sorry, paying 8 bucks for a damn drink when I can buy a whole bottle for a few dollars more is bullshit). I'd rather spend my money on things more worthwhile...like comics and music.
Shit, see I got off topic. I meant to tell you about my new story. I'm going back to my Hartley roots. This time, I'm writing about my girl Carrie. Besides Tegan, she's got to be my favorite female character. She's...well, she's a damn bitch but she's so interesting. I've been thinking about her story for a LONG time, even before Derek and Tegan. I initially was thinking about her and Derek and realized that would have been too obvious. Plus I knew Carrie was going to need a man just as edgy and fierce as her. And as much as I love my little Ryan, he's not enough to handle Ms. DiValenti. I'm not going to give too much away. Favorite characters will return, some couples break up, and there's a major side plot involving my redhead Jess but it will definitely be worth the read. And the man...let's just say you might need a fan after reading :).
So this was supposed to be short...and it's totally not. Gotta get back to writing!
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